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Cincinnati Bockfest 2010

Yes! Friends! It is here again! No, we’re not talking about the tea party convention yet, but I have decided to subject you to my ramblings on fermented beverages yet again!

Goats with a hat, man.

Silly goat, hats are for humans affecting to be richer than they really are. Unless it's a baseball cap, which usually means you're a) up to no good, or b) a complete tool bag.

Yes! Friends! It’s here again! No, not goats wearing silly hats and still not the tea party convention, but Bockfest 2010! The annual Cincinnati festival celebrating sausage, spring and getting so drunk that urinating on a police horse seems like a totally rad idea.

Back in the olden days when people rode dinosaurs to school, the monks would brew hearty bock beer for sustenance during their lenten fasts. While the modern Catholic church may see this as cheating, God is probably too wasted on heavy beer to care.

Bock beer is a dark, rich lager with a much higher nutritional and alcoholic content than traditional lagers. So while Guinness is usually viewed as the classic meal in a bottle, it has nothing on bock beer. It was also brewed to celebrate the coming of spring, when a young man’s fancy turns to love, or to keep the monks too drunk to realize how lonely masturbation is.

Bockfest in Cincinnati celebrated by drinking copious amounts of beer, free shuttles to take your drunk ass home, and parading through Over the Rhine led by the sausage queen, because Cincinnati likes to celebrate thick meaty things stuffed into tight casing.

This guy wants to be sausage queen.

No, you don’t have to be female to be a sausage queen.

According to Bockfest’s Web site, “A panel of “expert” judges (i.e. easily bribed) will determine the best applicant based on the following criteria:

1. Personality: Good traits will include a love of bock beer, a sense of humor, and a taste for meat. The personality round will involve a series of questions posed to the contestants by the judges.
2. Presence: The contestant must look good carrying a sausage and have diva tendencies. The presence round will involve a very short catwalk turn while sporting a string of bockwurst.
3. Talent: Whatever “talent” you think a Sausage Queen should possess is good enough for us.”

So in short, if you want to celebrate Cincinnati’s German brewing heritage, or just get sloshed in public, come down to Over the Rhine this weekend (March 5, 6 & 7).

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New posts soon?

To whom it may concern…

To whomever told me that the Thirsty Dog Brewery 12 Dogs of Christmas was better than Great Lakes Christmas Ale, no, you’re wrong, it’s not.

Dear friends, I am very sorry about my lack of updates. I feel like we haven’t talked in forever. How are you doing? Did you have a good Thanksgiving? Did that rash ever clear up? Lol, jk, you can’t really talk back to me. This is a blog not a telephone (if you were confused about that, get off the internet). But you can and should leave comments. Because then I’ll feel like someone actually reads this and I will post more often.

Self-conscious-introspection-masked-poorly-with-humor-over.

So I saw this at the Oatmeal and thought it was both relevant an insightful. Rather than making you click a link to view this Web content, I will post the pithy picture below, for your viewing convenience.

Photo stole'd from Matthew Inman

So as not to deprive the Oatmeal of traffic (you’re welcome for the 3 hits, Inman), for the rest of the very informative poster (and there is much more hilarity), visit the Oatmeal’s beer section.

Well fellow travelers, today is a sad day for democracy. And I’m not talking about the anniversary of Ronald Reagan signing the top-secret National Security Decision Directive 17 authorizing the CIA to recruit and support Contras in Nicaragua. No, my poll has been subverted; abused and tossed away by a fiend so dastardly he could only be described as a politician. The scoundrel who made a mockery of the democratic process stands before you:

Despot

The face of the oppressor.

This charlatan, this impostor, this moderate in Democrat’s clothing enlisted his friends from THE Ohio State University (I go to Ohio THE STATE University) to come to my blog and vote for his beer name. Though technically he did nothing wrong, that’s like offering people $5 to bring a friend to the polls. He’s taken my utopian democracy, carved in the very image of Athens, Greece (our fair college town’s namesake), and he has cheapened it; stealing the election like some monkey-faced former Texas governor.

So without further ado, the name of my beer is:

The Luscious Jord Ale

I want all three of you readers who have a Facebook account (sorry mom) to friend him on Facebook and send him angry pokes. I feel dirty. I need to go take a shower.

There are multiple ways to destroy your liver. There’s Tylenol, liver punches and stabbings, to name a few. The primary focus of this blog has been, and will remain to be, beer, but not everybody is a fan of consuming massive quantities of carbs in order to get their alcohol fixins. They call it a beer belly for a reason, and while the portlier among us tend to be jovial and funny,Carlos Mencia is still a dick.

Not funny.

So, I’ve decided to expand my horizons a bit and branch out to liquor on occasion. Now, my spirit of choice is whisk(e)y, particularly bourbon, neat. But, studly as that is, it’s not very interesting. So I’ve decided to go with one of my favorite drinks: the rusty nail.

Now, the rusty nail is somewhat special to me. Whenever I go back home to Cincinnati, my dad will make rusty nails and we’ll watch old film noir. So, in the stress of exam week, I got the hankering for a rusty nail and went questing for a bar that could make me one.

The rusty nail, with it's signature liqueur, Drambuie.

You’d think with the proliferation of bars in Athens that it would be no problem to sidle up to a bar and get a drink. But not every bar is equipped to make a rusty nail, and that’s because of it’s ingredients: Scotch whisky and Drambuie.

The rusty nail is a quintessentially Scottish cocktail (yes, the Brownfields have a little Scottish in them, via Clan MacDonald). It’s made with 1.5 oz Scotch whisky and .5 oz Drambuie, a honey- and herb- flavored golden Scotch whisky liqueur. The problem with finding it in Athens bars is that a great majority of them don’t stock Drambuie. So I went questing on Wednesday night, looking for a bar that had “the drink that satisfies.”

Well, so far as my decidedly unscientific search could determine (I pretty much stopped searching once I found it), the only two bars you can get a rusty nail in are Casa Nueva  and Tony’s Tavern (Casa had a cover that night). Ironically, they’re across the street from each other.

Casa by default makes theirs with Dewars Scotch for $5.50, or you can get Johnnie Walker Red for $7. The dude at Tony’s was kind of a dick; aloof, dismissive, and he had to ask one of the patrons how to make a rusty nail, and on top of that he charged $5.75 for the drink, so I didn’t bother finding out which kind of whisky he used. But, I’d grudgingly admit that the Tony’s one did taste a bit better.

A rusty nail is actually pretty sweet, despite being made with the smokey, earthy Scotch. You can taste the smokiness of the Scotch, but it is cut by the honey sweetness of the Drambuie. It’s a potent drink, as both Drambuie and Dewars are 80 proof.

What are your favorite mixed drinks, and where do you go to get them?

Don’t forget to vote for a name for my beer! The winner gets a free six-pack.

Well, here it is folks. The great poll. Vote for whichever name you like best, and the person who submitted the winning name gets a free six pack of my beer. The poll closes next Monday.