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Yes! Friends! It is here again! No, we’re not talking about the tea party convention yet, but I have decided to subject you to my ramblings on fermented beverages yet again!

Goats with a hat, man.

Silly goat, hats are for humans affecting to be richer than they really are. Unless it's a baseball cap, which usually means you're a) up to no good, or b) a complete tool bag.

Yes! Friends! It’s here again! No, not goats wearing silly hats and still not the tea party convention, but Bockfest 2010! The annual Cincinnati festival celebrating sausage, spring and getting so drunk that urinating on a police horse seems like a totally rad idea.

Back in the olden days when people rode dinosaurs to school, the monks would brew hearty bock beer for sustenance during their lenten fasts. While the modern Catholic church may see this as cheating, God is probably too wasted on heavy beer to care.

Bock beer is a dark, rich lager with a much higher nutritional and alcoholic content than traditional lagers. So while Guinness is usually viewed as the classic meal in a bottle, it has nothing on bock beer. It was also brewed to celebrate the coming of spring, when a young man’s fancy turns to love, or to keep the monks too drunk to realize how lonely masturbation is.

Bockfest in Cincinnati celebrated by drinking copious amounts of beer, free shuttles to take your drunk ass home, and parading through Over the Rhine led by the sausage queen, because Cincinnati likes to celebrate thick meaty things stuffed into tight casing.

This guy wants to be sausage queen.

No, you don’t have to be female to be a sausage queen.

According to Bockfest’s Web site, “A panel of “expert” judges (i.e. easily bribed) will determine the best applicant based on the following criteria:

1. Personality: Good traits will include a love of bock beer, a sense of humor, and a taste for meat. The personality round will involve a series of questions posed to the contestants by the judges.
2. Presence: The contestant must look good carrying a sausage and have diva tendencies. The presence round will involve a very short catwalk turn while sporting a string of bockwurst.
3. Talent: Whatever “talent” you think a Sausage Queen should possess is good enough for us.”

So in short, if you want to celebrate Cincinnati’s German brewing heritage, or just get sloshed in public, come down to Over the Rhine this weekend (March 5, 6 & 7).

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To whom it may concern…

To whomever told me that the Thirsty Dog Brewery 12 Dogs of Christmas was better than Great Lakes Christmas Ale, no, you’re wrong, it’s not.

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Dear friends, I am very sorry about my lack of updates. I feel like we haven’t talked in forever. How are you doing? Did you have a good Thanksgiving? Did that rash ever clear up? Lol, jk, you can’t really talk back to me. This is a blog not a telephone (if you were confused about that, get off the internet). But you can and should leave comments. Because then I’ll feel like someone actually reads this and I will post more often.

Self-conscious-introspection-masked-poorly-with-humor-over.

So I saw this at the Oatmeal and thought it was both relevant an insightful. Rather than making you click a link to view this Web content, I will post the pithy picture below, for your viewing convenience.

Photo stole'd from Matthew Inman

So as not to deprive the Oatmeal of traffic (you’re welcome for the 3 hits, Inman), for the rest of the very informative poster (and there is much more hilarity), visit the Oatmeal’s beer section.

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Athens, being the consummate college town, is full of consummate college bars: they play the same six trite, overplayed pop/rap songs on heavy rotation (often so loud you have to shout to be heard by the hottie sitting next to you [well, there’s always the chance s/he’s just ignoring you]), they have many giant screens playing the game du jour and they have a miserable selection of beer on tap.

Yes, the vasty majority of college bars “play it safe” by choosing beers they know will sell well. Popular beer is like popular music: it is watered down to appeal to people with shitty taste. These beers include your typical “Lite” fare, such as Miller Lite, Bud Light and Coors Light (I don’t care if it’s pink, that beer I won’t drink), as well as a few mainstays in every American bar, Guinness, Budweiser and whatever Sam Adams seasonal is in season at the moment. Which is all a shame, because beer tastes best the fresher it is, and the freshest beer comes from kegs.

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Alec Guinness wants you to drink Guinness draught.

But all is not lost. There are some bars in town with truly excellent selections of craft beer on tap. But how do bar managers and owners choose which brews to pour for their patrons? I chose to pose this question to three bars in Athens in an exploration of how bars choose better brews. (more…)

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I hate beer commercials. I don’t need Brian Billick telling me to drink Coors Light (shit, I wouldn’t drink Coors Light if Clint Eastwood told me to [OK, well, maybe if Clint Eastwood told me to]). Bouncy buxom babes aren’t going to make Miller Lite taste any less like fermented urine, and I don’t care how many real men of genius Bud Light salutes, their marketing is obviously aimed at binge drinking, backwards-cap-wearing, chest-thumping bros.

Beer ads piss me off. If you can’t win me over by the merits of your beer, no ammount of celebrity endorsements, silly gimmicks or scantily clad women is going to get me to part with my money for a lousy drinking experience. But there is an exception to every rule: Red Stripe.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Silly Red Stripe, who would ever mistake beer for fabric softener! Hooray beer indeed.

Do you have a favorite beer ad?

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So as any Athenian would know, last weekend was Halloween weekend. What might be so special about Halloween weekend, you ask? Well, it’s only the best excuse to wear things that would freak out your mother, wear practically nothing (I’m talking about you, Mr. Elmo-mask-in-a-thong) and drink till petting a police horse sounds like a good idea. Ohio University’s Halloween block party sees the city’s population nearly double, and is a great excuse to try new beer.

In the grand tradition of OU Halloween, I had my friend Jordan (affectionately known as Jord) come down to visit. He would have last year, but he was too busy campaigning for some dude. But little did I know, Tyler (Tyty), who had been hitch hiking around the country, had also come to visit for the weekend.

trinity

I swear that isn't my Rolling Rock.

Jord went as a “Clint Eastwood inspired cowboy,” Tyty was…well, Tyty (a bum. JK Tyty) and I went as Dexter Morgan, from the hit Showtime TV series, Dexter. I had to shave for my costume, and my chin has never felt so cold…

But from the nether reaches of our state’s capital, Jord and Tyty brought me Columbus Brewing Co.’s 90 Shilling Ale, on the condition I reviewed it for my blog. Not being one to turn down free beer (unless it’s Coor’s. Fuck that), I gladly accepted.

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Comrade Beer.

Now, though I have a brother at Ohio State, because everyone who DOESN’T GO TO THAT SCHOOL shits their pants over the football team, I have an unnatural aversion to anything out of Columbus. That being said, I promised to give the beer a fair taste.

We had the beer with a Little Caesar’s Hot ‘N Ready, which wasn’t a bad pairing. Scottish Ales are known for being less hoppy and having a malty, sweet finish. It poured a very nice amber color with an off-white head. Jord, having seen my video on how to pour a beer, made fun of my inability to get “two fingers of head,” but nonetheless, the beer poured a nice head, and smelled of roasted malt, and faintly of coffee and caramel. It tasted malty, but the dominant flavors were toffee and caramel. It was sweet, but not off-putting; not nearly as sweet as a chocolate stout. It’s a good beer with food, especially pork dishes, but there are better one’s out there for sipping on.

Overall Grade: a solid B.

What did you go as for Halloween? And did you get to try any new beers?

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